Let's Cee a Movie

The burn is bright

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a–run for your life.

Get ready to be meet Brandon Breyer (Jackson A. Dunn), who has one of those sweet, alliterate names that rolls right off the tongue. Like Clark Kent or Lex Luthor or Michael Meyers. He’s brilliant too because despite not paying attention in class, he’s immediately able to rattle off how wasps are more violent than bees and engage in brood parasitism or some other foreshadowing mumbo jumbo like that. Because saying Brandon’s not from around here is a colossal understatement.

It’s a scary story made up of many scary stories

This ought to tide me over until It: Chapter Two

After a chance encounter with newcomer Ramón (Michael Garza), a trio of friends consisting of Stella (Zoe Colletti), Auggie (Gabriel Rush), and Tommy (Austin Abrams) decide to show him the local haunted house. Home to Sarah Bellows (Kathleen Pollard), who according to legend, would tell children scary stories from her special book. A book that Stella decides to take with her. Calling that decision a mistake would be an understatement.

You will never guess what happens

I hope you like politics along with your romance

Fred Flasrsky (Seth Rogen) is a bleeding heart journalist with an uncanny knack of surviving falls that would kill or incapacitate an average person. One day he quits/gets fired after the new owner of his newspaper ends up being the embodiment of everything he hates about America. Said new owner is media mogul Parker Wembley (Andy Serkis), the love child of Steve Bannon and Gollum.

Will they save the world or mock each other to death first?

Good God there are a ton of movies in this franchise

MI6 agent Hattie Shaw (Vanessa Kirby) is on the run after being framed for killing her entire team by Brixton (Idris Elba). With there being only two people to track her down. DSS Agent Luke Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) and British soldier-turned-mercenary Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham). You’d think the CIA would get two people who wouldn’t give an emphatic no to teaming up and bicker like an old married couple, but c’est la vie. Who find themselves forced to work together to save Hattie and the world.

Number 9

In a far, far away land in California

Upon seeing a trailer for Once upon a time…in Hollywood, my mom asks me what that movie is about. So I, as the film critic of the family, say “well, it’s a movie—about making movies. And Sharon Tate and Charles Manson are there for reasons that I guess I’ll just have to see the movie to understand.”

H-E Double Hockey Sticks Boy

Witness the most expensive B-movie ever made

The first case that we see Hellboy (David Harbour) work in the film is to locate Agent Esteban Ruiz (Mario de la Rosa), who’s gone missing after being sent to uncover a coven of vampires. Sure enough, Ruiz has unfortunately been turned into a vampire and after a brief Lucha libre fight (no, it doesn’t make any more sense in the context of the movie) Hellboy is forced to kill him. Much to Hellboy’s regret as Ruiz had been a drinking body and someone he had been trying to save. At which point his adoptive father Trevor Bruttenholm (Ian McShane) tells him to move on because Ruiz was a monster. Plus, he has a new assignment. To assist the Osiris Club in hunting down three giants.

Something is rotten in the state of Pride Lands

This remake is certainly better than Dumbo

Rejoice as James Earl Jones returns as Mufasa, a great lion king, father, and husband. Though Mufasa’s only flaw is that he trusts his obviously evil brother Scar (Chiwetel Ejiofor) a little too much. A mistake which proves to be fatal after Scar kills Mufasa and convinces his son Simba (JD McCrary, Donald Glover) that he is responsible. After running away from home, Simba survives thank only to Timon (Billy Eichner) and Pumbaa (Seth Rogen), who act even more like a couple than they did in the original. After growing up, Simba finds himself faced with a choice between continuing to run away from his past or confront it.

The title character flies higher than the movie ever does

Witness the Disney remake that should have a totally different title

This movie should be called Circus Workers (and the occasional appearance of a long-eared, flying elephant). The primary circus worker of the film is Holt Farrier (Colin Farrell), who has come back from the war to end all wars with one arm to two kids and a dead wife. Because this wouldn’t be a Disney movie without a dead mom (NSFW). Holt’s daughter Milly (Nico Parker) is a wannabe scientist with the piercing gaze of someone I expect to start chanting ‘come and play with us, Danny.’ His son Joe (Finley Hobbins) isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Two for two on Captain Marvel movies

**I heard this movie described as Big with superpowers, but I didn’t think they be so on the nose**

The Wizard Shazam (Djimon Hounsou), a literal magical negro who searches for the perfect champion to bestow his powers upon. Except, after his last choice went mad with power, he has spent years searching for someone pure of heart. Emphasis on years, because most humans are flawed at best, horrible people at worst. So the Wizard runs out of time and ends up going up with what’s presumably his least bad option, Billy Batson (Asher Angel).

Only in Florida

I bet the Scorch is looking pretty good right about now

The main character of the film is Hayley (Kaya Scodelario), a competitive swimmer with the University of Florida because of irony. Upon realizing that her estranged father Dave (Barry Pepper) isn’t responding to any phone calls, Hayley postpones evacuating from the massive, incoming hurricane to find him. She does so in the crawl space of their old home…along with a s**tload of alligators. Before you can say from bad to worse, their house starts flooding due to the previously mentioned hurricane. An event which leaves the two of them even more trapped.