Let's Cee a Movie

You should quit when you’re a head

That’s right, I’m bringing you all the best jokes available.

Right now, I’m enrolled in a Gender and Horror studies class that involves looking at multiple different horror films that deal with gender in some way. Yes, I suppose the title of the course was pretty self-explanatory. I’ve decided to share with you all what it is that I’m up to. The first film in this new series is The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, a movie that can’t make up its mind in regards to its title because it changes in the opening and closing credits alone.

Lock, Stock, Snatch, RocknRolla & Two Smoking Barrels

Learn the most creative ways to call someone a c**t.

Recently I found myself with a dilemma because I wanted to see a movie and the one I was going to see, The Turning, got absolutely destroyed by critics and audiences alike. Oh well, now I have more time to read the book as I wait for it to come to Redbox. In the meantime, what else was I going to see? 1917? Not right now. Jumanji? Maybe later. Bad Boys for Life? Tempting due to the surprisingly good reviews it’s gotten, but no. Underwater? Or I could watch a James Cameron double feature of Aliens and The Abysse. Dolittle? God no. I guess that leaves The Gentlemen.

The De Niro

The overindulgent retread that real critics rushed to shower with praise.

After watching this movie with my dad, he wondered aloud what it would be like for a newcomer to watch The Irishman. Someone unfamiliar with Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, or Joe Pesci and wouldn’t watch the movie with that background in their mind. To which I responded that a newcomer would watch The Irishman and go ‘yeah, that was good.’ Then they’d watch Goodfellas and go ‘that was awesome.’

Are you in the mood to watch a movie?

Because I’ve got a movie for you to watch Friday night.

Safecracker Red (Luke Bracey) has just gotten out jail and happily reunites with his family. His wife, Chloe (Nina Dobrev), is an aspiring artist with a whole show on prison walls and is forced to work with this scumbag name Derek Blarney (David Hewlett). His daughter Beatrice (Ella Ryan Quinn) only speaks in French and can turn invisible, somehow. Unfortunately for Red, international assassin Luc Chaltiel (Crispin Glover) not only blames Red for the death of his brother and is hot on his trail for revenge. Along the way, we’re introduced to several other quirky characters in this action-comedy from director and screenwriter Roger Avary.

Ironic title story

Look, every headline can’t be gold.

Marriage Story concerns the lives of Charlie (Adam Driver) and Nicole (Scarlette Johansson), who, after several years of marriage, have decided to get a divorce. At first, my sympathy lay with Nicole because, by all appearances, Charlie was a terrible husband. Then intentionally or not, Nicole does several things that manipulate the situation to her advantage. For instance, she’s the first one to hire a lawyer, Jen (Laura Dern), after they both agreed not to. Then I started feeling sorry for Charlie. Then, after Charlie’s lawyer advises him to settle for terms that would be best for everyone, he decides to view the whole thing as a competition instead and hires another lawyer whose just as underhanded as Jen. So, all in all, Nicole and Charlie are equally awful.

The perfect palate cleanser

It’s not the worst Netflix original I’ve seen.

The film follows a group of main characters who only go by codenames to avoid emotional attachments. And if that sounds familiar to you, it should because that’s writers Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese reusing the same idea from their previous film, Zombieland. (NSFW)

What’s Swedish for Wicker Man?

**Good thing I started the year with Little Women, because…**

I hate this movie. As someone who didn’t like Hereditary, writer/director Ari Aster’s previous film, I wasn’t expecting to like this movie, and it exceeded my expectations in that department. Because not only do I hate this movie, but it’s that particular kind of hate that left me angry after watching it.

The joys of having a sister

A good movie to start the year off with

Little Women follows the lives of four sisters who are, of course, the little women of the title. Jo (Saoirse Ronan) wants to be a writer. Meg (Emma Watson) is a poor housewife. Amy (Florence Pugh) is under pressure to marry rich to take care of the rest of her family. The limited amount of ways that women can earn money during this era is a big focus of the film. Beth (Eliza Scanlen) is a quiet musician. Together there joined by Laurie (Timothée Chalamet), the handsome boy next door.

Two movies that won’t leave you foaming at the mouth

A horror retrospective.

Rabid (1977) is a movie from director David Cronenberg, whose films are well known for their body horror and sexual weirdness. The premise is that following a motorcycle accident that her boyfriend Hart Read (Frank Moore) got into for no discernable reason, Rose (Marilyn Chambers) is taken to a nearby plastic surgery clinic for treatment. There Dr. Dan Keloid (Howard Rhyspan) performs an experimental skin graft that, as you can guess, ends up going horribly wrong. The procedure ends up creating this phallic looking stinger from her armpit that sucks blood. It also infects people with a rabies-like virus, hence the title of the film.

Twas the night before Christmas…

I hope you asked Santa for another unnecessary remake (Unmarked Spoilers)

Why did this movie have to be called Black Christmas? Yes, it’s a slasher movie set during Christmas and about a sorority, but beyond that, the two films have so little in common that I don’t know why this couldn’t have been made as a stand-alone movie. Is it trick horror movie fans who come in expecting to see a regular horror movie, but instead get a film that’s super woke? And by woke, I mean heavy-handed and not as thought out as it should be.