Let's Cee a Movie

Aren’t we glad that the folks are gone

That’s what you get for staying up past your bedtime. (Unmarked Spoilers)

In The Babysitter, we meet Cole (Judah Lewis), a 12-year-old kid afraid of needles, driving, and standing up to his bullies, who encompass practically everyone around him. All of which will probably have you quoting Tim Roth’s character in Hardcore Henry. (‘You. Little. P***y.’) (spoiler) Cole’s only bright spot is his best friend Melanie (Emily Alyn Lind), who clearly has a crush on him, and his babysitter Bee (Samra Weaving), who is very hot. If you’ve seen Weaving, that probably goes without saying, but since this movie’s camera is so keen to remind us of that fact, I thought I’d bring that up too.

We can be villains

Just for one day.

Villains stars Bill Skarsgård and Maika Monroe, both previously in popular horror films about a shapeshifting it. Yes, the two of them playing a couple is much too ironic to be a coincidence. To be more specific, they are Mickey and Jules are two young thieves on the run with dreams of a better life. Except on the way to that better life, they first need to make a pit stop.

Edward Gunhands

Good thing he no longer has to hold a wand.

Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) is this computer geek who decides it’s a good idea to troll an online death-match called Skizm. The site’s creator, Riktor (Ned Dennehy), doesn’t take too kindly to that and decides to make Miles the next contestant. Nailing two guns to his hands, Miles has to fight Nix (Samara Weaving), whose first fight scene makes the Bride (NSFW) look like Princess Peach. You’d think that any contest between them would be over and done with pretty quickly. Luckily for Miles, Nix seems to lose a great deal of her skill for most of the movie.

VVitch v. Blackcoat’s Daughter

Who will win? (Unmarked Spoilers)

My final assignment for my gender and horror class was the comparison project. I was to analyze two different films using the knowledge and skills I had acquired as part of the course. I was also to compare the two films and decide which one should be included in future versions of the class.

Hakuna matata Vagina dentata

I’d like to thank my college professor for giving me that title. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Teeth is about a girl who, upon being sexually assaulted, discovers that she has a second pair of teeth down there, which bites the rapist’s d**k off. I heard someone tell me about the time they watched this movie with their girl friends and guys friends. The girls were really into it, but the guys were all freaking out. Or another person whose brother was a self-proclaimed horror aficionado, but wouldn’t rewatch this movie because it was too messed up. My biggest regret with this review is that I’m unable to convey my impressive eye-roll in text form.

My favorite of the sequel trilogy.

If you still hate this movie, consider yourself warned. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Happy Star Wars Day, everyone! I originally wrote this review a year ago on my old website, and so many things have changed since then. I’ve previously titled this review ‘The one that you either really love or really hate,’ but now that’s outdated after the next installment proved to be even more divided.

Way to make a coma look good.

The difference between life and death is as long as a heartbeat. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Before there was Rick Grimes, Jim (Cillian Murphy) slept through the zombie apocalypse first. Now, there also seems to be some debate over whether the people infected with the rage virus in 28 Days Later are zombies. Yes, yes they are, because while the infected are alive and don’t seem to be cannibals if it looks like a zombie, it acts like a zombie, and infects people like a zombie, then it’s a zombie. A comparison heightened by the numerous similarities 28 Days Later shares with the themes commonly found in George A. Romero movies.

Abstinence has never looked better.

I never thought I’d write that.

The person that It is following is Jay Height (Maika Monroe), who’s currently seeing a guy named Hugh (Jake Weary) who says a lot of things at the beginning that takes on a whole new meaning on a second viewing. After having sex with Jay, he explains to her that a mysterious entity will now hunt and kill her, with her only hope being to sleep with someone else, thus passing on the curse or whatever it is to that other person. To convince her of that, he does so in the most traumatizing way possible and doesn’t even get the proper chewing out that he deserves.

Happy belated birthday Kick-A*s!

If I was a better critic, I would have had this out yesterday. (Unmarked Spoilers)

For those of you who don’t know, Kick-A*s is to superhero movies what Scream is to horror movies. The plot concerns this loser high school student named Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), who decides to be a real-life superhero named Kick-A*s. He also finally earns the attention of his crush Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca), but sadly it’s because she wants him to be her “gay BFF” due to a false rumor going around.

Rabid 1.0

Freud would have a field day with this movie.

Shivers, initially titled Orgy of the Blood Parasites (why did they change it), is about Dr. Emil Hobbes (Fred Doederlein), who somehow managed to get grants to make a parasite that will be beneficial to people. Even though, by definition, parasites don’t provide any benefits to the hosts. Despite that, the characters of this movie will continue to refer to Hobbes’ creations as parasites and not symbiotes. One character ends up vomiting up his parasites multiple times, yet that doesn’t seem to be more than slightly bothersome.