Let's Cee a Movie

Hakuna matata Vagina dentata

I’d like to thank my college professor for giving me that title. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Teeth is about a girl who, upon being sexually assaulted, discovers that she has a second pair of teeth down there, which bites the rapist’s d**k off. I heard someone tell me about the time they watched this movie with their girl friends and guys friends. The girls were really into it, but the guys were all freaking out. Or another person whose brother was a self-proclaimed horror aficionado, but wouldn’t rewatch this movie because it was too messed up. My biggest regret with this review is that I’m unable to convey my impressive eye-roll in text form.

My favorite of the sequel trilogy.

If you still hate this movie, consider yourself warned. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Happy Star Wars Day, everyone! I originally wrote this review a year ago on my old website, and so many things have changed since then. I’ve previously titled this review ‘The one that you either really love or really hate,’ but now that’s outdated after the next installment proved to be even more divided.

Way to make a coma look good.

The difference between life and death is as long as a heartbeat. (Unmarked Spoilers)

Before there was Rick Grimes, Jim (Cillian Murphy) slept through the zombie apocalypse first. Now, there also seems to be some debate over whether the people infected with the rage virus in 28 Days Later are zombies. Yes, yes they are, because while the infected are alive and don’t seem to be cannibals if it looks like a zombie, it acts like a zombie, and infects people like a zombie, then it’s a zombie. A comparison heightened by the numerous similarities 28 Days Later shares with the themes commonly found in George A. Romero movies.

Abstinence has never looked better.

I never thought I’d write that.

The person that It is following is Jay Height (Maika Monroe), who’s currently seeing a guy named Hugh (Jake Weary) who says a lot of things at the beginning that takes on a whole new meaning on a second viewing. After having sex with Jay, he explains to her that a mysterious entity will now hunt and kill her, with her only hope being to sleep with someone else, thus passing on the curse or whatever it is to that other person. To convince her of that, he does so in the most traumatizing way possible and doesn’t even get the proper chewing out that he deserves.

Happy belated birthday Kick-A*s!

If I was a better critic, I would have had this out yesterday. (Unmarked Spoilers)

For those of you who don’t know, Kick-A*s is to superhero movies what Scream is to horror movies. The plot concerns this loser high school student named Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), who decides to be a real-life superhero named Kick-A*s. He also finally earns the attention of his crush Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca), but sadly it’s because she wants him to be her “gay BFF” due to a false rumor going around.

Rabid 1.0

Freud would have a field day with this movie.

Shivers, initially titled Orgy of the Blood Parasites (why did they change it), is about Dr. Emil Hobbes (Fred Doederlein), who somehow managed to get grants to make a parasite that will be beneficial to people. Even though, by definition, parasites don’t provide any benefits to the hosts. Despite that, the characters of this movie will continue to refer to Hobbes’ creations as parasites and not symbiotes. One character ends up vomiting up his parasites multiple times, yet that doesn’t seem to be more than slightly bothersome.

She’s kind of like an indie version of Katniss.

Why do I feel old for remembering that series?

After attacking the abusive boyfriend of her friend Emily (Grace Victoria Cox), Lauren (Bailey Noble) ends up going before a hanging judge (Kurt Fuller), who sentences her to an indeterminate stay in juvie. Eventually, Lauren decides to escape with the help of another inmate, Rebecca (Jeanine Mason), with the two of them discovering that there’s more to the situation than meets the eye.

CSI: Supernatural

Usually people are dying to get in.

Tommy (Brian Cox) and Austin (Emile Hirsch) are a father and son team of morticians who conduct the autopsy of Jane Doe (Olwen Kelly). At first, they try and do their jobs, but once things start to get a little too weird, they decide that it’s time to get the hell out of there. Only they can’t, and then things start getting really bad for them.

In space, no one can hear you…

At least he’s not stuck with Willem Dafoe.

Full disclosure, I wrote this review a while ago and have only now gotten around to publishing it because of everything that I’ve got going on in my life. I only point that out because I imagine I might feel a little differently watching a film about a family in an isolated location. Though not different enough to warrant rewatching it, mind you.

Who’s laughing now?

The answer is no one.

This classic starts during a women’s gym class, where the subsequent locker room showering and dressing is in slow motion. All of which happens within the first five minutes during the opening credits. If you somehow missed the part of the credits that showed a man directed this movie, you’ll probably figure it out if not then, than the later gym detention scene that seems designed to showcase the actresses’ legs and how this was before the invention of the sports bra.