Let's Cee a Movie

Something is rotten in the state of Pride Lands

This remake is certainly better than Dumbo

Rejoice as James Earl Jones returns as Mufasa, a great lion king, father, and husband. Though Mufasa’s only flaw is that he trusts his obviously evil brother Scar (Chiwetel Ejiofor) a little too much. A mistake which proves to be fatal after Scar kills Mufasa and convinces his son Simba (JD McCrary, Donald Glover) that he is responsible. After running away from home, Simba survives thank only to Timon (Billy Eichner) and Pumbaa (Seth Rogen), who act even more like a couple than they did in the original. After growing up, Simba finds himself faced with a choice between continuing to run away from his past or confront it.

The title character flies higher than the movie ever does

Witness the Disney remake that should have a totally different title

This movie should be called Circus Workers (and the occasional appearance of a long-eared, flying elephant). The primary circus worker of the film is Holt Farrier (Colin Farrell), who has come back from the war to end all wars with one arm to two kids and a dead wife. Because this wouldn’t be a Disney movie without a dead mom (NSFW). Holt’s daughter Milly (Nico Parker) is a wannabe scientist with the piercing gaze of someone I expect to start chanting ‘come and play with us, Danny.’ His son Joe (Finley Hobbins) isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Two for two on Captain Marvel movies

**I heard this movie described as Big with superpowers, but I didn’t think they be so on the nose**

The Wizard Shazam (Djimon Hounsou), a literal magical negro who searches for the perfect champion to bestow his powers upon. Except, after his last choice went mad with power, he has spent years searching for someone pure of heart. Emphasis on years, because most humans are flawed at best, horrible people at worst. So the Wizard runs out of time and ends up going up with what’s presumably his least bad option, Billy Batson (Asher Angel).

Only in Florida

I bet the Scorch is looking pretty good right about now

The main character of the film is Hayley (Kaya Scodelario), a competitive swimmer with the University of Florida because of irony. Upon realizing that her estranged father Dave (Barry Pepper) isn’t responding to any phone calls, Hayley postpones evacuating from the massive, incoming hurricane to find him. She does so in the crawl space of their old home…along with a s**tload of alligators. Before you can say from bad to worse, their house starts flooding due to the previously mentioned hurricane. An event which leaves the two of them even more trapped.

I knew these escape rooms were a bad idea

I want to play a game (Unmarked Spoilers)

The contestants of this Saw ripoff consist of Zoey (Taylor Russell), a quiet college student. Ben (Logan Miller), a wage slave working an awful job. Amanda (Deborah Ann Woll), a war vet. Mike (Tyler Labine), a fat guy I really liked in Reaper. Jason (Jay Ellis), a slick businessman. And Danny (Nik Dodani), a video game nerd. Together they find themselves trapped in an escape room featuring one convoluted death trap after another.

Vacation, all he ever wanted

From now on I will only refer to the Spider Sense as the Peter Tingle

I hope you’ve seen Endgame because, after the prologue, this movie opens with a list of people who “died.” With the prologue itself introducing us to Quentin Beck/Mysterio, who’s the exact opposite of his comic counterpart. The source material’s Mysterio was a supervillain, relied on advanced special effects disguised as magic and was too ugly to be an actor. Here he’s a superhero who has actual magic and the good looks of Jake Gyllenhaal. The last of which is funny because Gyllenhaal was at one point going to replace Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 2 if the latter couldn’t recover from his back injury.

All happy families are alike

Wouldyou rather spend a night at the castle or Hill House?

Here’s a breakdown of the surviving members of the Blackwood family. Youngest Daughter Mary Katherine or Merricat (Taissa Farmiga) looks, talks, and acts like she’s the spawn of Satan. Uncle Julian (Crispin Glover) is living on a different plane of reality. Oldest Daughter Constance (Alexandra Daddario) seems to suffer from agoraphobia and has the emotional range of a Stepford (NSFW) wife. Oh, and she also supposedly poisoned the rest of the family, killing them and cripplingly Julian. Then there’s cousin Charles (Sebastian Stan), whose arrival throws the whole home into turmoil.

Here come the Men in Black

Probably for the last time though

Agent M (Tessa Thompson) is the latest MIB recruit sent to the London branch, where she learns a lot of amazing things. Like how the Eiffel Tower was the center of one of the first great alien migrations, and its builder was a founder of the Men in Black. Which contradicts the agency’s backstory established in the first movie, something particularly egregious because said backstory later plays a role in the lives of one of the main characters. Unless of course the U.S. branch was then absorbed in an earlier, European organization, but the film makes no mention of that.

I’m your friend till the end

I know they changed it to ‘you are my Buddi until the end.’ I don’t care.

Picking up shortly after the third movie left off, we find Woody (Tom Hanks) once again struggling with no longer being king of the castle. Thankfully he’s matured enough that no one ends up getting thrown out a window this time. Instead, he decides to make his new purpose helping Bonnie’s (Madeleine McGraw) new toy, Forky (Tony Hale), adjust to no longer being a spork, but being a toy. He does so by stopping Forky from repeatedly trying to throw himself away in a montage that stops being funny after the first couple of times. Eventually Forky ends up throwing himself out of a moving car, with Woody following close behind.

You’ve got a friend in me

**I know I should be mad at them for taking shots at Toy Story, but I thought this one was actually pretty funny**

Before I go on, I feel the need to say just one thing. Which is that since to some legal mumbo jumbo that I didn’t care enough to research the specifics of, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer has been allowed to remake Child’s Play due to retaining the rights to the original movie. Even though the original franchise is still ongoing and has been going strong enough that series writer/creator/director Don Mancini has been talking about making another sequel and/or a television series with star Brad Dourif. So now this new franchise is potentially going to be competing with the original. That is so not cool, and it violates the number one rule of remakes. (NSFW) As both a fan of the original and movies in general, I feel obligated to hate this movie. For the record, if this were any other film, I would say that overall, this movie’s fine.